Aunty Acid by Ged Backland for December 12, 2024

If You Must Snap, Make Sure They Deserve It

I’m visiting family for a reunion/celebration in Upstate New York, though I’m traveling solo to/from. So far, just getting there has been one of THOSE trips, where no single thing was spectacularly wrong but everything’s been just a LITTLE wrong.

An issue with security ahead of me in line took an extra fifteen-ish minutes to get through TSA, the plane was delayed in starting boarding, the plane was delayed AGAIN taking off, we had to circle a few times at the airport before landing, my rental car I got for some sight-seeing while out there wasn’t ready, so I had to wait while they had got one together that had just been returned, etc., etc.

Literally, the only thing that didn’t have an issue was that my suitcase was one of the first out at the baggage claim.

My relatives’ property is large but the house itself is quite small, so most of us coming in are staying at one of a few hotels in one of those “cluster just off the highway” locations nearby. By the time I get to the hotel, I’m ready to either drop dead or get into a fistfight, and it must have shown on my face because the lady at check-in gave me what looked like a very worried expression.

Check-In: “Good afternoon, sir, is everything alright?”

I take a long breath in through my nose, and out through my mouth.

Me: “Honestly, no, the last eight hours have been absolute hot garbage, and I’m in a terrible mood right now. Absolutely none of it is your fault or the hotel’s, I just got here. I will try my very best to not take it out on you, I apologize in advance if my tone ever turns sour or aggressive, it’s honestly not aimed at you.”

Check-In: “Oh I’m very sorry to hear that, sir! Let’s see if we can get the rest of your stay going better.”

I pull out my phone to get the confirmation info…

No signal.

(contd)

Justice Is Served — With A Side Of Physics

When working for the local Council, I had to attend court over a traffic collision after a young chap pulled out in front of me and both vehicles were written off. It was pretty spectacular, but I was fine and he only had minor injuries. The police investigated and decided I wasn’t at fault, and as I was driving a work vehicle, I just left it in the hands of their insurers. A couple of months later, I was informed by the Council’s solicitors that the incident had been contested and I was to be summonsed to court — as a defendant!

It turned out that the guy’s mother couldn’t have a blot on her “soon-to-be-a-dentist” son’s record. She’d brought a private prosecution against me holding that I was liable, presumably because I was just a “lowly” council worker and would crumble before the very high-priced law firm she had retained.

Duly summoned, I arrived at the Crown Court, and the righteous mother was sitting with a malicious grin behind their barrister. After a while, it became obvious they were insinuating that I had been speeding and therefore it was my fault, even though the police had found this wasn’t the case. It was uncomfortable having their barrister paint me as a habitual dangerous driver as I’d had a couple of minor speeding fines ten years earlier. He then swooped in with the dam-ning facts.

Barrister: “So, if you were not speeding, how do you account for the fact that my client’s vehicle was spun 360 degrees and knocked onto the central reservation of the road?! I have the sketches from the police and the measurements from the scene! THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY DEGREES! That was a considerable impact! How could this possibly happen if you were not driving in excess of the speed limit?”

(contd)

They Have To Be Toying With You At This Point

I once worked in a consumer electronics store, and a customer came in and plopped an adult toy down on the counter.

Customer: “I need you to put batteries in this.”

Judging from the size and shape, I made a good guess at which batteries it required. So I grabbed some off the wall. I grabbed TWO packs since I thought I could double up by suggesting they take home some spares. (We worked on commission.)

Customer: “Put them in for me.”

Me: “No, ma’am… I’m not touching that.”

Customer: “Look, just do your job and put the batteries in for me.”

Me: “Not happening. It’s not my job to handle used adult toys.”

Customer: “Then get a manager over here to do it!”

I went to get the manager, and while we were in the back, I explained the situation, so she would know what to expect when we got to the sales counter.

The manager backed me up and refused to touch that thing either. After a little back and forth, the customer eventually gave in, bought BOTH packs of batteries, and flounced out.

Customer: “UGH! No one wants to do their job anymore!”

Manager: “Yeaaah, no. Jesus himself could float down and tell me to do it and I would tell HIM to go to the hot place…”

Sorry To Burst Your Bubble, Mom!

As an adult, I am discussing differing parenting techniques and standards with my own mother.

Me: “Now when they say a bad word, and they know it’s a bad word, they lose all video game privileges for the rest of the night. If it happens twice in one week, they lose the whole weekend, too. However, now that means if they know they’ve lost the weekend by Tuesday, they can say whatever they want for the rest of the week. They figure they’ve already lost gaming at the weekend, so what else can they lose? I need a new system.”

Mother: “I know this is not how things are done these days, but when you were their age, I would wash your mouth out with soap.”

Me: “Yeah… we don’t do that anymore.”

Mother: “There was no point doing it back then! I remember when you cursed and I washed your mouth out with soap, you just blew some bubbles and said, ‘Mmm, it’s f****** delicious!”

Apparently, I don’t remember my rebellious streak when I was five, but I’m glad my mom does!

It’s sad. Hubby and I were talking about how the Mel Brooks’ movies would not get made now.

AMEN! AMEN!

My mother, and I’m 73, raised me to believe that any joke which belittles another human, makes them feel less, is not funny.So this is not a new idea.

can’t you take a joke, I was just kidding just a few of statements by bullies when they are called out.

this is where the phrase “Lighten up Francis” comes in handy

I once tried to make a joke so bad that it would offend everybody, but then I realized that some group might be offended because I left them out.

Now, I pretty much keep my joke making to politicians. It’s a target rich environment, They deserve it and I stick to things they actually did or said so there is no defamation and about 50% of the audience is sympathetic.

This comic should be posted on Crankshaft. It will offend the haters … if that is possible. lol

imagine if Don Rickles was just starting out…

……the age of the offended!!!

So right!

It’s difficult to imagine a bigger joke than that which came in 2017, and will again in 2021 in the White House.

This is why stand-up comedian have gone the way of the Dodo, people can’t take a joke. Gee, I hope I haven’t offended any comedians out there, I think I’m safe with the Dodos.

Aunty, some jokes are visual not auditory. If you don’t believe me, just go take a look in the mirror.

How thin some skin must be. So sad.

I was born in 1950 and went into the Army in 1969. Very little offends me, and I have spent 30 years as a nurse in long term care. I have seen more kinds of crazy than are listed in psychiatric journals. I have Facebook and MeWe and X and sometimes go on TicToc. TicToc is where I see the most screwed up clips and watching that stuff, I don’t understand why younger people get offended by anything except as a joke or to irritate everyone else in the world.

ANIMAL HANDS!!!!!!!

I draw the line at practical jokes especially those where strangers get ‘punked’. I will paint the prankster’s face bright orange and I will go for the eyes. All my friends know this, it is why my circle is small.

Movies like “Airplane!” have to be censored nowadays too :-(

I tend to go overboard with people, and I’ve found it interesting over the years how many people have little or no sense of humor… too bad for them!

auntie must’ve seen today’s the argyle sweater… ☺

I do like a good clean joke but I take offense and will tell the person if it is a joke that refers to racism, my religion, disabilites ( my sister had many since she was born and they got so bad me and Dad couldn’t take care of her anymore that we had to put her in a nursing home which she hated and she was there for 3 1/2 years until she passed away a year ago and I have many now and they get worse as I get older), and stuff that is mostly vulgar contain all the swear words, especially the F word. I don’t watch much stand up comedy because most of them just use vulagrity and swearing and racism ( what I hate the most with the racism is that everyone knows that saying the N word for black people is wrong and should not be said but a black comedian will call black people that all the time and I think that sends a message of double standard) that it is not the least bit funny. That is why Jim Gaffigan is my favorite comedian because he has none of that in his comedy routines.