Dilbert Classics by Scott Adams for May 25, 2020

Been there. Done that. On both sides of the desk…

Yeah, I would have approved that too. (-:

Sure, you can tell by the number of vital organs she has on the wall or desk or where ever.

Well, that is an improvement. She used to rip out the organs and eat them.

Alice is quite organ-ised, that way… :D

….and this applies only to my subordinates…!

SMART goals should be:

Specific. Alice’s goal is more specific than most. Check.

Measurable. She’s right; it’s measurable. Zero organs of other employees. Check.

Achievable. It’s a stretch goal for her, but it is achievable. Whether she has a good chance of achieving it is debatable, but that’s why it’s a performance review goal. Check.

Relevant. Maybe, maybe not – suppose Wally stopped showing up for “work.” Would anyone really notice? On average, though, not killing the other employees is probably relevant. Check.

Timely. There is a specific time frame. Check.

PHB had better give her this one. And if he doesn’t, there’s always the possibility of his spleen being displayed in Alice’s cubicle.

IT objectives are difficult to measure. However, I have determined an 8% to 13% increase or decrease is hard to disprove. Also, it’s sustainable until I get a new manager or HR moves to a new grading system.

Alice should have included stupid supervisors along with stupid co-workers. That would of insured approval of her objectives.

“By my order and for the good of the state, the bearer has done what has been done.”

Measurable objectives? Shirley, you jest. For awhile I had a manager who let me get away with “10% improvement in core competencies” but she went away (became a chiropractor, if I recall) and was replaced by a guy who wanted me to attend “classes” of his choice about things I had neither interest in nor need for. The best one required that I “bid” on tasks: “This will take me 40 work hours” … and my objective was to be accurate to within 25% either direction. The next year he wanted 15%. Fortunately, I have a formula: Think “Well, that ought to be a 4 hour job” then double it to 8. Then change the unit to the next larger, and bid 8 days. By the time you deal with all the ancillary BS, the interruptions (with the half hour afterward to regain focus), the unexpected crises etc, none of which may be used as an offset against your bid  it really does take a week to do a half-days worth of work.

All you have to do to measure it is Count the Vital Organs in her cubicle every month or two.

Ahh, the warm and considerate Alice we so love!

This feature cartoon is based on actual true life stories as depicted in writing from now deceased participants.

And that’s no sh—!