The Duplex by Glenn McCoy for October 12, 1996
Man 1: We have a very sophisticated security system here at gas n grub- if you find yourself at gunpoint, just press this little button labeled "armed robbery." Man 1: The cops should be in here in about twenty minutes. Man 2: Twenty minutes?! I could be dead in twenty minutes!! you mean the cops can't get here any sooner?! Man 1: Oh sure. Just hit the button here labeled "doughnut shortage."