Ripley's Believe It or Not by Ripley’s Believe It or Not! for January 23, 2022

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    stevesilver48  5 months ago

    Hey now. Wow! What a joke-filled day yesterday was, huh? You guys were all killing it! I was so wrapped up in reading and laughing that I didn’t stop and give anyone the old Atta Boy! Especially stalwart Charlie Fogwhistle who snuck in another barnburner! Solly, Cholly! Now I’m going to keep the Golf thing going. I wouldn’t wanna upset my friend and confidante, Eromlig. Here’s a quick one:After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.” The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.” Ba dump bump Yeah yeah. Now here’s a real joke: After closing time at the bar a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. “What’s that thing?” one of the guys asked. “It’s a talking clock.” the drunk replied. “A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend. “Yup it is!” replied the drunk. “How’s it work?” the friend asked. “Watch.” the drunk said. He picked up the mallet, hauled off and struck the gong hard. It was ear-shatteringlyloud. Immediately a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,“IT’S 3 O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING, A$$HOLE!! "BA DUMP BUMP. There! I feel better now. Silver. Out!

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    pearlsbs  5 months ago

    More than five-hour.

    More than 300 escapes.

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    eromlig  5 months ago

    Is Silver still trying to one-up me on golf jokes? Just remember, a higher score is a worse score. And that having been said, let’s see if I can ace this next pomme de terrace:

    After registering a round of 142 – including all the fudging he usually did – the golfer asked his caddy, “Am I the worst golfer you’ve ever caddied for?”

    “Well, Sir,” the youngster began, “I wouldn’t go so far as to say that…but I’ve been on real estate today I never even realized was on the property.”

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    jasonsnakelover  5 months ago

    One time I was six hours old.

    Rackson Jayne One time I was nine hours old. One time I did 301 straightjacket escapes which matched my bowling score.

    May the Lord be with you.

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    stevesilver48  5 months ago

    So Rayne had great endurance. I Believe but don’t care.

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    monkeysky  5 months ago

    Mantis shrimp also have some of the most complex visual systems (in terms of number of different receptors) of any animal on Earth. Although this gives them a very broad potential range of perception, gong deep into UV, human eyesight and visual processing still has a lot of advantages.

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    Храм С.О.Д. (Templo S.U.D. ucraniano)  5 months ago

    In the paraphrased words of Calvin’s classmates, “bats aren’t [birds].”

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    Bilan  5 months ago

    Does that bus provide beds like the Knight Bus (in Harry Potter’s world)?

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    SWCarter  5 months ago

    I sort of expect the bus to be filled with parents and their newborns. That way everyone can get some sleep.

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    therese_callahan2002  5 months ago

    Do those buses play “We’re On The Road To Nowhere” by Talking Heads?

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    The Pro from Dover  5 months ago

    Sleep Ulu sleep! Good bus.

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    Huckleberry Hiroshima  5 months ago

    And then the bus driver takes their wallets.

    Take care, may lonely shrimp boat captain Allen “The Horizon Never Goes Away When At Sea” Gangplankord be with you, and gesundheit.

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    NeedaChuckle Premium Member 5 months ago

    The mantis shrimp forms a plasma at 8,500F. The surface of the sun is about 10,000F. The speed is about the same as a 22 caliber bullet, about 1,125 Feet per second. Totally amazing.

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    SquidGamerGal  5 months ago

    Bats aren’t birds. They are also NOT bugs, CALVIN!!

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    Technicholls  5 months ago

    So there is variety of self-blanching shrimp?

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    Tuco  5 months ago

    Boudreaux and his wife Marie had been shopping at a grocery store, and Marie decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.

    “Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches.”

    The judge replied, “How many peaches were in the can?”

    She said, “Six.”

    The judge then said, “I will sentence you to six days in jail.”

    Boudreaux stood up behind her and replied, “Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.”

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    bluegirl285  5 months ago

    I love all the jokes that are posted on here. So here’s my contribution. It’s not a golf joke, rather it’s more appropriate for Halloween, even though that holiday passed months ago, but I just found it online and I think it’s hilarious, so here goes:

    A guy is walking down the street by himself when he nearly collides into two monsters, each one holding a smartphone. Just as the terrified man is about to turn tail and run, the monsters quickly stop him and reassure him.

    “Relax,” one of the monsters speaks up. “We’re glad you’re here, we actually need your help.”

    The other monster spoke as they both held out their smartphones to the man.

    “We’re from out of town and we were about to take some selfies. Would you be so kind as to take the photos?”

    The man was so surprised all he could choke out was a small “Um, ok…”

    So for the next 2 minutes, the monsters and the man takes selfie after selfie. Despite the circumstances, the man found himself starting to relax as the monsters laughed and genuinely seemed to be friendly. There was just one thing that really confused him: the monsters insisted he had to be in each and every selfie with them.

    “Oh my, would you look at that?” One of the monsters looked at his smartphone. “It’s almost time for dinner.”

    “Thank you so much for your help, sir,” the other monster said.

    “Glad I could help,” the man said. “Before you go eat, there’s something I have to know. Why’d you want me to be in all your selfies?”

    Both monsters looked at each other and then looked at him in confusion.

    “I thought you humans took pictures of your food just before you ate it too.”

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    vaudeguy  5 months ago

    300 Straight Jacket escapes in eight hours? As a magician, we call that “rehearsing.”

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    Charlie Fogwhistle  5 months ago

    I will let Steve and eromlig have their dual and go topical with an illusionist joke.

    An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

    “That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

    The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

    The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”

    The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

    Until next time.

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    poppacapsmokeblower  5 months ago

    What is the record time for putting on 300 straight jackets?

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    poppacapsmokeblower  5 months ago

    So mantis shrimp cook their food?

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    poppacapsmokeblower  5 months ago

    How long is the bus ride back, and what does it cost? Is it cheaper than a hotel room?

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    poppacapsmokeblower  5 months ago

    The USA bird of the year for 2020, was a raised middle finger.

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    JoshHere  5 months ago

    You can’t come back from nowhere. I think Ulu means death in Chinese, lulling passengers to sleep? Yes, eternal sleep. I hear the Twilight Zone theme

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    mindjob  5 months ago

    That bat identified as a bird and was allowed to compete according to the rules set by NZ Bird Association.

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    paranormal  5 months ago

    A bat isn’t a bird, so how could it be bird of the year???

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    Bilan  5 months ago

    The shrimp boils the surrounding waters? That would be nice to have shrimp that cooks itself for you.

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    toasted  5 months ago

    If a mantis shrimp became a human, it would practically be a superhero.

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    yangeldf  5 months ago

    The bat story reminds me of the fable of why the bat flies at night: Long ago, the birds and beasts were locked in seemingly endless war, but there was one creature, the bat, who would play both sides. Whenever the birds were victorious he would enjoy their spoils, if confronted he would show off his wingspan, and say no land dwelling beast would have such glorious wings. On days the beasts came out ahead he would justify joining their victory by showing his fur and fangs, features that no bird had. Eventually the war ended, and the bat was revealed to have been playing both sides to get the best spoils while not actually participating in the fight. As punishment it was exiled, only allowed to fly in the dark of night where no one would see his shame.

    Of course that story doesn’t factor in the fact that something like 3/5ths of all animals, especially mammals, are actually nocturnal, so he was being banished to spend time with the majority, but hey, the story is probably centuries old and was likely written by people who didn’t know much of natural biology.

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    dv1093  5 months ago

    Does anyone still use straitjackets? I doubt it.

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    Stephen Gilberg  5 months ago

    Have you ever heard of the mantis shrimp?

    The second word might make it sound like a wimp,

    But it’s actually quite the heavy hitter.

    Some people even call it “thumb splitter.”

    The spearer variety stabs at prey,

    While the smasher is apt to knock it away.

    Both types can swing their raptorial claws

    So fast that they seem to defy the laws

    And produce vapor-filled cavitation bubbles.

    That might be the start and end of prey’s troubles,

    For even if they should avoid the punch,

    The bubbles collapsing all in a bunch

    Create a big shock wave to kill or stun.

    And that’s not the only feature that’s fun:

    The mantis shrimp’s eyes are the most advanced,

    Leaving biologists quite entranced,

    With at least 12 photoreceptors each,

    Allowing their color perception to reach

    From deep ultraviolet out to far-red.

    What’s more, the mobile eyestalks on their head

    Can move independently of each other,

    And each has trinocular vision (oh brother).

    Since very few others see polarized light,

    The mantis shrimp move their bodies just right

    To communicate in a secret code

    (Which humans have cracked, as one study showed).

    They’re said to predate the first dinosaur

    By a hundred million years or more.

    As sea creatures go, they’re practically gods.

    Let’s hear it for the stomatopods!

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    Drunken Squirrel Premium Member 5 months ago

    The panel about the bat reminds me of my high school trig and analytical geometry teacher. He was from West Virginia and joked that their official state bird was the house fly.

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    finnygirl Premium Member 5 months ago

    I suffer from insomnia, but it never, ever occurred to me to ride a bus to go to sleep! Very interesting. I read this ad for the service.

    https://ulu.travel/en-US/product/ULUBUSTOUR01B

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    finnygirl Premium Member 5 months ago

    Here’s a snippet from an article about the Bat Bird of the Year. (I’m sorry that I can’t credit the article, because I forgot to write down the name). But as others have said, bats aren’t birds, so I’m still puzzled.

    _The bat was included in the competition to raise awareness and support for the species, according to the statement.

    Long-tailed bats are classed as “nationally critical” by the New Zealand Department of Conservation, which says they could face extinction if they aren’t protected._

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    stevesilver48  5 months ago

    Test

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    pbr50138  5 months ago

    When I was a kid, whenever we rode the bus to or from downtown, most of the time, I went to sleep.

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