Ripley's Believe It or Not by Ripley’s Believe It or Not! for July 05, 2022

  1. Another pic of chi  in need of a shave   3 3 2015
    Chihal  3 months ago

    Been awhile since I contributed some jokes, so I’ll donate a few. Silver, I’m putting you on your honor – no stealing them for at least a year.

    A man walks into confessional and says, “Forgive me Father for I have sinned…”

    The priest replies, “What is it that brings you here?”

    “Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend.”“Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary’s and may the Lord be with you.”

    The man replies, “but I really need to talk about it.”

    “Let’s have it then,” the priest says as he leans back on the hardwooden bench.

    “You see Father, “I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees.”

    “And that’s when you cursed aloud?” the Father queried.“No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree.”“That must have been when you cursed.”

    “No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!”

    “And that’s when you cursed aloud,” the priest said assuredly.

    “No, no..”

    The Father interjected, “Don’t tell me you missed the frigging putt!”

     •  Reply
  2. Another pic of chi  in need of a shave   3 3 2015
    Chihal  3 months ago

    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

    She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” The blonde said “How about $50 dollars?”

    The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

    The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    “You’re finished already?” he asked.

    “Yes,” the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

    Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

    “And by the way,” the blonde added, "that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

     •  Reply
  3. Coyote
    eromlig  3 months ago

    One good golf story deserves another, right? Did I say “good”? Well, here’s another golf story anyway:

    An older couple, both avid golfers, are discussing life. The wife asks her husband, “Darling, if I died, do you think you’d remarry?”

    The husband thinks about that a few seconds, and then says, “Yes, I suppose I would.”

    “And would she sleep in this bed?” she asks him.

    “Yes, of course she would, if we’re married.”

    “Would she drive my car?”

    “Well, sure. Why just leave it in the garage?”

    “And would she use my golf clubs?”

    “No, absolutely not,” comes his adamant response.

    “She’d sleep in this bed and drive my car, but not use my golf clubs? Why is that?” the wife wants to know.

    The husband replies, “She’s left-handed.”

     •  Reply
  4. Img 2485
    stevesilver48  3 months ago

    Hey now Ripley’s Believe it or not!ComicFans. Eromlig went after the Swedes the other night, right? I went after the Amish which might’ve been a first and tonight I’ll try for another first by teasing the Scottish. How ’bout that, Erom, you swine?MacDermott and MacDuff were sitting in the clubhouse on a raw, blustery day thawing their beards in front of the fireplace while freezing rain beat against the windows. The pair were silent for a long time over their whiskeys. Finally, MacDermott spoke, “That was quite a round of golf.” “Aye,” MacDuff replied. “Same time next Saturday?” “Aye,” said MacDuff, “weather permitting.” BA DUMP BUMP! and Silver Out!Lagniappe: What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm? Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even Mother Nature can’t hit a 1 iron. Badumpbump! Bag drop! Hope you had a good Not Doc Holiday.

     •  Reply
  5. 205902c7 40fb 4bbe 8c7e 79a7c01f3861
    jasonsnakelover  3 months ago

    Famber Illary One time I was 296 feet big.

    One time I was 4.3 miles tall.

    So the jellyfish go through a midlife crisis.

    May the Lord be with you.

     •  Reply
  6. Img 2485
    stevesilver48  3 months ago

    Turritopsis dohrnii has nothing on some humans we all know.

     •  Reply
  7. Cyan
    monkeysky  3 months ago

    While there are a number of “biologically immortal” organisms, which can renew their cells infinitely (or at least, until something else kills it), this s the only species I’m aware of which can actually age its entire body backwards.

    However, their lifestyle is apparently so risky that few individuals make it to the age where they go through this process, without being eaten first.

     •  Reply
  8. 8d4e8ad6 4494 4665 8009 edd51c3035f8
    Храм С.О.Д. (Templo S.U.D. ucraniano)  3 months ago

    Miss Fillary’s feat must’ve been breath-taking.

     •  Reply
  9. Another pic of chi  in need of a shave   3 3 2015
    Chihal  3 months ago

    Why do Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus not have any children?

    Because Santa only comes once a year, and it’s down the chimney.

     •  Reply
  10. Bluedog
    Bilan  3 months ago

    If there’s one record that I wouldn’t care to break is swimming 295 feet in ice cold water.

     •  Reply
  11. Matrim
    flashdrive1988  3 months ago

    Hmmm … wonder if Tech now has a degree in Hopscotch Engineering?

     •  Reply
  12. Missing large
    theincrediblebulk  3 months ago

    Never having played hopscotch i guess I wouldn’t be able to walk through that campus as I have no idea how that game is played.

     •  Reply
  13. Photo
    FrankErnesto  3 months ago

    Georgia Tech? Hop scotch? Why am I not surprised?

     •  Reply
  14. Img 1610
    WCraft Premium Member 3 months ago

    I wouldn’t mind going back to my childhood era but I sure as heck wouldn’t want to be a child in this messed up world today!

     •  Reply
  15. Huckandfish
    Huckleberry Hiroshima  3 months ago

    Well, it’s still up for debate as to which is the childhood state. I think it’s California, but others may differ.

    Take care, may famed dad joke enthusiast John “The Ocean Didn’t Say Anything To Us It Just Waved” Cornballord be with you, and gesundheit.

     •  Reply
  16. Missing large
    198.23.5.11  3 months ago

    It would have been far more constructive to build a hopscotch court leading from Georgia Tech to THE VARSITY hamburger stand.

     •  Reply
  17. Missing large
    Will E. Makeit Premium Member 3 months ago

    and we’re to forgive student loan debt for hop-scotch?

     •  Reply
  18. 20160717 134601 resized
    Tuco  3 months ago

    sorta a golf story:Why I Mow My Own Lawn – Lee Trevino: a true story, you gotta love him.

    One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas,mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

    A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"

    Lee responded, “Yes Ma’am, I do."

    The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”

    Lee said, “Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her.”

    The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

     •  Reply
  19. Fb img 1509486198333
    e.groves  3 months ago

    I wonder how long it took for Amber to thaw out?

     •  Reply
  20. B0e0b724 7bbe 4558 af14 2395ff194a19
    Dolphin Lover  3 months ago

    Great! Twenty years ago my wife and I were building a decorative concrete block wall in front of our new property. Not being a professional block layer I was extremely careful and used a level and a square on each new block which proved to be very slow going. One day a person driving past us stopped and asked what we would charge to build a similar wall on his property. I told him that if he paid us by the hour, he couldn’t afford us.

     •  Reply
  21. Large 20220612 082448
    Wirepuncher   3 months ago

    Let’s go North to Newfoundland for a laugh.

    John sees a “boat for sale” sign and decides to go take a look…Behind the sign the there is only an old tractor and a beat up truck, so he goes to the door and an old newfie answers.

    John says “I’m interested in the boat you have for sale”

    The newfie looks confused and says “no bye, I ain’t got no boat for sale.”

    “But” John says, “you have a sign out by that old truck and tractor…”

    “Aye,” replies the newfie, “and dere boat for sale!”

     •  Reply
  22. C4a70583 6af7 4811 8ebe e28fe9c0ca09
    AlienHillbilly  3 months ago

    Ripley looks just like Putin!

     •  Reply
  23. Greg backlit
    mindjob  3 months ago

    I can’t help but think somebody is trying to discover the fountain of youth using the cells of this jellyfish

     •  Reply
  24. Missing large
    Carl Rennhack Premium Member 3 months ago

    We play hopscotch down at the local (Peggy Dempsey’s in Maspeth, NY) but we use real hops & real Scotch!

     •  Reply
  25. Large img e5471  2
    joefearsnothing  3 months ago

    I posted this one yesterday but, I guess I forgot to hit the comment button to send it! (Growing old ain’t for sissies!) Anyway, without remembering where I stole this from, here goes! Two elderly gentlemen share a room at a Nursing Home and in the middle of the night one of is awakened by the sound of the other gentleman banging his fist violently on the wall! “What the heck are you doing, Sam?” “I just woke up with the first erection I’ve had in 30 years and my darn hand is asleep!”I’m going back to sleep now! ;o}

     •  Reply
  26. Another pic of chi  in need of a shave   3 3 2015
    Chihal  3 months ago

    In Canada they tell jokes about “Newfies” — people from Newfoundland. Here’s one:

    A Newfie walks into a Toronto pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

    The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

    “No” he replies, “I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.”

    The intrigued woman says, “a state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

    The Newfie explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

    The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

    “Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

    The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

    The Newfie taps his watch and says, “Dang thing’s an hour fast!”

     •  Reply
  27. Img 20220708 121343 226 2
    JoshHere  3 months ago

    RBION forgot to mention that Ms Fillary was born with gills, an important oversight

     •  Reply
  28. Avatar92
    Charlie Fogwhistle  3 months ago

    I could find precious few jokes indexed as “hopscotch” jokes. This is perhaps the best of a very weak group.

    A boy is playing hopscotch outside the VaticanWhen suddenly a middle aged man runs out shouting “Hallelujah it’s a miracle!” as he runs around the courtyard.

    Curious, the young boy yells out “HEY! Mister, why all the yelling?”

    The man runs over and grabbing the boy by the shoulders says “You will never believe it! I just saw the Pope put holy water on a Woman and she passed a baby!”

    The boy rolls his eyes and very matter of factly states “Aww that’s nothin! I put turpentine on a dogs hind end and he passed a motorcycle!”

    Until next time.

     •  Reply
  29. Avatar92
    Charlie Fogwhistle  3 months ago

    Underwater? Uh, OK. How about this?

    When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived in that situation.

    I almost died watching Finding Nemo.

     •  Reply
  30. Missing large
    Stephen Gilberg  3 months ago

    The Turritopsis dohrnii, or immortal jellyfish,

    Can do what many humans rather seriously wish:

    When subject to a sudden drop in temperature or salt

    Or starved or greatly damaged, it reverts to its default—

    That is, becomes a polyp after something like a cyst

    Or else becomes a stolon, and the first stage might be missed.

    In time, it forms a colony to bud and then release

    Medusae like its grown-up form and thus may not decease.

    Genetically identical medusae, more or less,

    Are found across the oceans. That’s survival with finesse!

    The process of their cells is called transdifferentiation.

    It might reveal the secret to our own rejuvenation.

    —me

     •  Reply
  31. Captain smokeblower
    poppacapsmokeblower  3 months ago

    So the immortal jellyfish has to repeat puberty to stay alive. Well, that certainly changes the picture on immortality.

     •  Reply
  32. Missing large
    heathcliff2  3 months ago

    I haven’t hopped or scotched that far in a while.

     •  Reply
  33. Missing large
    Silica Gel  3 months ago

    Yikes took me quite a while to scroll down and make a comment… I’m beginning to think these jokes are getting out of hand…

    Maybe a punishment for delinquents for the school would be to hopscotch a whole lap around the campus.

     •  Reply
Sign in to comment

More From Ripley's Believe It or Not