Ripley's Believe It or Not by Ripley’s Believe It or Not! for July 27, 2022

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    stevesilver48  4 months ago

    Hey now Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! Comic Fans! What was it that lady, Cora, said in that old coffee commercial? “When something works you stick with it!” In that spirit here’s one more batch of “You know you’re too old to play gigs anymore” jokes. And-a one and-a two..

    You know it may be time to hang it up when:

    On all out of town gigs you draw straws to see who the driver will be coming home.

    You start listing your truss as a “business expense”.

    You forget to get your Flowmax refill so all sets that night are only 15 minutes long.

    When you play 2 nights in a row, and the next day your body aches like you played in the Super Bowl!When you play a Wednesday night gig and call into work sick on Thursday and Friday..

    When the only “Stones” you care about are in your gallbladder or kidney.

    You try to charge more money if there are any steps to climb.

    Your hearing is so shot that you ask the guitar player to turn up.

    You call out the next song only to have someone remind you played it 10 minutes earlier.

    Your drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.

    You worry more about breaking hips than being hip.

    Musicians half your age are in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or have appeared on postage stamps.

    The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.

    BA DUMP BUMP! New subject tomorrow. For now, Silver Out!

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    jasonsnakelover  4 months ago

    One time there were 55 bottles, 61 bottles, 9 bottles, 23 bottles, 9 bottles, 14 bottles, and seven bowls; and I wish the cartoonists wouldn’t plug booze so much. It’s like they’re proud of alcoholism.

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    stevesilver48  4 months ago

    Didn’t there used to be a drawing of a guy with Aquagenic Urticaria on the template of Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! Comic? Back in the Graziano Days?

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    stevesilver48  4 months ago

    I’d read that the Founders liked their sauce.

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    Charlie Fogwhistle  4 months ago

    Ripley’s seems focused on water tonight, so here’s a little story on the same topic.

    A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

    He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.

    ‘Hey you, do you have water?’ Pants the criminal.

    The old man replied, ‘I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.’

    The criminal, frustrated shouted, ’you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"

    ’There’s no call for threats,’ said the old tie seller indignantly, ‘but even though you don’t want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I’ll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you’ll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"

    Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the necktie salesman sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.

    “Everything ok?” asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.

    “They won’t let me in without a tie…”

    Until next time.

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    Храм С.О.Д. (Templo S.U.D. ucraniano)  4 months ago

    wow… three beverage-related factoids

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    Charlie Fogwhistle  4 months ago

    Once more before the rack.

    A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, “The car won’t start. I think there’s water in the carburetor.”

    The guy was annoyed and said, “You don’t even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem…where’s the car?”

    And his wife said, “In the pond in front of our house.”

    Until next time.

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    Chihal  4 months ago

    A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

    “Billy, you go first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”

    Billy stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

    “That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”

    Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

    “Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher, “What about your father, Tim?”

    Tim proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a w*or*house.”

    The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

    Later that day she went to Tim’s house and rang the bell. When Tim’s father appeared the teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

    Tim’s father said, "I’m actually an attorney.

    “But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

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    Chihal  4 months ago

    I finally discovered Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out:

    It’s Wendy’s.

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    Chihal  4 months ago

    Oh, joy — a non-offensive religion joke:

    Early in the morning a newly married couple woke up, both ready for their morning coffee, but neither was willing to do it.

    The wife declared, “You know, the Bible says that men should make the coffee.”

    Curious, the husband demanded proof.

    “Simple,” his wife replies.

    “Hebrews”

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    Daniel Verburg  4 months ago

    And their signiatures were still legible?

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    californiamonty  4 months ago

    For the unitiated, ‘cider’ here, of course, refers to what today’s Americans call ‘hard cider’.

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    Charlie Fogwhistle  4 months ago

    Last call.

    Two golfers are about to play 18 holes when one of them says he’s going to the pro shop to buy some golf balls, and asks his friend if he needs any balls.

    His friend says, “No thanks, I have a ball.”

    The golfer says, “You only have ONE ball?? You’re going to lose that, and then what will you do?”

    “Oh no, this is a special ball,” his friend says, “You can’t lose it!”

    “What do you mean you can’t lose it? What if you hit it in a water hazard?”

    “This ball floats, so you can’t lose it!” his friend says.

    “Then what if you hit it in some deep rough, and you can’t find it?”

    “The ball has a little strobe light that will start flashing, so you can’t lose it!”

    “Well what if you hit it way out in the woods and you don’t even know where to look for it?” the golfer asks.

    “The ball has a little horn inside it, and it will start beeping,” his friend says. “So you can’t lose it!”

    “Wow, that’s amazing!” the golfer says. “Where did you get that ball?”

    “I found it,” his friend says.

    Until next time.

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    Huckleberry Hiroshima  4 months ago

    George could not tell a lie once he had his Madeira taken away.

    Take care, may beloved town boozer Quaffie “You Drink I’m Thunk Don’ Choo” Bushord be with you, and gesundheit.

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    Nala the Great  4 months ago

    Yesterday’s no no problem had me thinking. I’m going to try the fireman’s hose!

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    FassEddie  4 months ago

    The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff’s hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

    The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, “Never mind boys, I’ll get it.”

    Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.

    The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope’s entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.

    But that afternoon Fox reported:

    “BIDEN CAN’T SWIM.”

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    mindjob  4 months ago

    W.C. Fields must have had Aquagenic Urticaria, since he never drank water

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    scpandich  4 months ago

    I’ve seen records of how much alcohol was purchased by the White House on a monthly basis in the pre Civil War days, and it is truly epic. Just looking over the records is almost enough to give you a buzz.

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    heathcliff2  4 months ago

    Too much water. Too little water. People do tend to feel much more secure while having it.

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    Tuco  4 months ago

    Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were casualties of the oil field bust in the 80’s and decided to look for work in New Orleans. They quickly found jobs at the Dixie Brewery. After working for only a couple of weeks, Boudreaux drowned in a beer vat. Management was quite upset over the incident. They asked Boudreaux’s good friend Thibodeaux if he could return to the bayou and break the news to Clotile.Upon hearing the news, Clotile inquired, “Thibodeaux, did he suffer much?“I don’t think so,” answered Thibodeaux. “In fact, he climbed outta the vat three times to go to the restroom.”

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    MuddyUSA  Premium Member 4 months ago

    Party time with good ole George and Constitution signers!

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    Buckeye67  4 months ago

    Is Ripley’s trying to infer that are Founding Fathers were too inebriated to know what they were signing.

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    Stephen Gilberg  4 months ago

    Don’t all beverages contain some water? Does the condition guarantee death within days?

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    rdh71254  4 months ago

    The person most affected by the allergy to water was Aquaman. Also made life a bit tough for Poseiden.

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    djlactin  4 months ago

    Heating one liter or water by one degree Celsius requires one kilocalorie of heat (by definition). So if you drink 1 L of water that is 6 °C, your body must use 30 kcal to heat it to body temperature (36 °C).

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    Jogger2  4 months ago

    Disregarding the punch in bowls, they averaged 3 bottles per person.

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    finnygirl Premium Member 4 months ago

    Also pointing out that we don’t know that only the Constitution signers were at the party. Other friends could have been there as well. :-)

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    pbr50138  4 months ago

    Cold water, is about all I ever drink, no matter what the weather is.

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